Feeling left out

It is already one and half years since we moved down to Richmond Hill from Bloomington, IN. However, I have feeling strange still sometimes. My girls had difficult time to adjust last year and I thought they are settled more in this "adjusting" period. However, I became a little worried after I had a moment with my Christine last night. She asked suddenly in out of blue, " mom, are there any Korean around here nearby?" I asked "Why". " I have been feeling lonely and left out". I immediately questioned"Where? from whom?" She did not answer me but shared that she misses her Korean friends in Indiana. I have felt very guilty that I neglected that area of their lives. I have been praying for their good adjustment, friendship, and being focused in school works. However, I never thought that they miss so called "Korean friends". It might have been from my belief that they are Korean-american, they are not totally Korean like me. I want to believe that they don't have difficulties to get along with others, Americans, in every single area. I honestly don't want to believe that they are different with others. It is from my bitter experience. Joanne is more like a typical American kid and she does not know why people consider her as a "Korean". She does not want to speak Korean at home even though she loves Korean food. However, Christin grew up in diversity more than Joanne. Also, she could write, read, and speak Korean well. She went to Korean school for several years. It is very hard to teach them have a right identity as "Korean-american". I honestly don't know how to even because I did not grow up as Korean-american. I am fully Korean. I am afraid of that what if I mis-lead them into a wrong way. How could I teach my kids that differences are good things and how could I let them feeling "home" in anywhere they go? How could I teach them wisely? I do not want them to grow with a sense of inferiority because they are different. Everyone is different. That is the true beauty of creation of God. None of creatures by God is same. How could I teach them that it is good thing to be different? I found out myself that I have felt lonely or left out often. I did not realize that I miss my Korean friends honestly. I was aware of that I miss my family and friends generally. However, I have thought for last night and today that I might miss my Korean friends like Christine does. Hmmm....Maybe I have not been honest to my feeling lately. I am going to pray and ask Him for His wisdom and healing if there are any hurting or pain among us because we are different.

Happy birthday, Joanne~!

When I found out that I got pregnant with Joanne, I was not happy. I was ready to go back to my doctoral program after two years of break with my Christine. I confessed my un-grateful heart about the baby and accepted the gift, Joanne. It was harder with so many ways than Christine's time. Because Jason was taking full time classes, working at school and it led us limited in several ways, especially financially. I could not eat well with Joanne somehow and could not afford to buy special food for my craving either. So, I had to keep my craving down with ramen noodles for all most everyday. I do remember still. However, I went to the dawn prayer service at the Korean UMC every morning. Somehow, I was not sad or depressed because of lack of many things but instead I was very content. Especially, when I had Joanne at the hospital, I was very grateful. My mom could not come to help me out because of my dad who was seriously ill when I had the baby. So Jason had to take care of Christine while I was in labor. Amazingly, I was not sad at all even though people were pity on me. I stayed all evening by myself at the hospital and even took epidural. Nurses and doctor kept asking that if I had any family or friends to be with at least for the epidural but I told them about my situation. I gave q quick call to home when I was ready to have Joanne, and there were Christine in a stroller still not sleeping and Jason. Christine finally fell a sleep right beside me while the baby was delivered. The baby was beyond cute and solid! even as an infant! She even did not cry much and just ready to live her new life in the world. That is Joanne. Joanne is full of confidence always from the beginning, and stubborn. Because of her character, she has given us more challenge than Christine. However, she gives full of energy and love for sure. She became seven years old today. I had a moment to look her older pictures and felt sorry that I could not give my full attention to her when she was younger. I was too busy to give her my all attention. I had to be a full time doctoral student, teaching undergraduate class, and working as a music director at church. I hope my girls can understand their mommy's heart sometimes. Beyond all of those things, I always give big thanks to the Lord for His endless blessings with my girls. They are truly the blessed presents from Him. I kneel before Him to lift them up to the Lord everyday.

Happy Valentine!

Happy Valentine!
Wishing you all are surrounded by love, joy, and peace especially from above!!

Grace

Lately I have been enjoying reading a book "What's so Amazing about Grace?" by Philip Yancey. I read the book in Korean a long time ago but I have surprised how different it is in English. Also, I have been amazed how Philip Yancey wrote so lively in expression in every single words he used. I wish I can have that talent! However, I have to keep my dictionary nearby because there are tons of words which I do not know. He certainly used many colorful and unusual vocabularies. Even though it has taken more than easy books to finish reading even for one chapter, I really have enjoyed reading it every day.

The book has been leading me in deep thoughts that I have been struggling to find "answer" lately. I truly agree many many ways in this book, and it has made me many times of crying while I am reading the book. I was longing for answers for how I can be the best but the most humble person, how I can be sensitive to the Holy Spirit, but not judgemental? How can I be compassionate like Jesus, but not spoiling people. How can I be hopeful in Him but not too dreamy? And how can our lives are so unfair?

I have known the answer for the last question but I have keep forgetting about it. Unfairness comes from comparison. Every complaint I have got so far is from feeling unfair which is from somewhat comparison. I had to confess my impudentness to the Lord when I was reading about the ownership of Grace. If I start talking about fairness, I must have misunderstood what the life I have got right now. I did not get fairness but grace! Why am I forgetting so often about it? I don't have a right to complain about what God does with other people because I already got "His Grace".

I haven't finished reading this book yet but I will try to read carefully and think deeply how amazing about God's grace page by page.

In Memory of My Dad

Today is my dad's memorial day. He passed away six years ago. I can't believe that how long it has been. I can't express how much I miss him. I could not be with him when he left to heaven. In Korean custom, it is one of impiety ways to parents that a child misses the moment when parents pass away. Unfortunately, I was one of them. I could go earlier to see him in Korea but he told me on the phone not to come yet two days before he left. I was worried and even changed my ticket to Tuesday from Thursday, however, he passed away on Monday. Somehow, I believe that he did not want me to see him leaving. However, I regretted for a long time that I should have gone earlier to say bye to him. I could not mourn loudly enough at that time because of my young children. However, whenever I misses him, I could not stop crying still. I was very blessed to have both wonderful mom and dad. Even though my dad never liked me to study music, he was the closest, and best friend. I miss his laughter most and endless talking. I learned a lot from him how to live and enjoy "life" ;even a taste of one small cheese, one moment of fresh wind, smell of green grass, looking after people's pain and so on. I miss his wisdom and deep observation for people's lives. I do need them most right now.

On the other hand, it was a miracle that he became a christian. He had so much knowledge and questions about the bible and God that many people doubted that he would accept Jesus. However, he did accept Jesus as his Savior. Even though it took more than 15 years of waiting and praying, the faithful God answered our prayers. I am sure my dad is enjoying where he is now. Aren't you dad?

Welcome February!

I love February even though I actually love every month. When I was in young age, February meant "preparation for the new semester". In Korea, the school semester begins from March like September in the State. We had a long winter break from a middle of December to beginning of February, and had another break one week after until March 1st. March 2nd is still the first day of any school. So, during the break right before March, we went to department stores to get new note books, pencils, backpacks and so on. The weather is still bitter in February but we can smell coming of Spring once in a while in the air, and pile of snow started melting with sunshine in February. My hearts used to be pounding for exciting for the coming month and season. After I got married to my husband and had my second child, Joanne, February came to me differently. Both of their birthdays are in this month as a day apart. Also, we usually settle down in February fever after Holiday and a New year. Most of all, Lent usually starts in February. It is not exciting to starting "Lent" itself but somehow, I enjoy being in Lenten. I usually kneel more often, and read more the word. Even though it is not easy to joining to the journey of Christ, it gives me extraordinary peace and strength.

In Roman calendar, February was the last month of the calendar and was from "purification" festival. I don't know in details what they did for purification but I want to purify more in this month to walk with Jesus for the journey every day.