Agony in Life

Life is made of full of battles; mostly battle with myself. Of course, as a christian, the battle with evil is true in my spiritual life. I want to talk about battles of physical disciplines.
I decided to work out at least five times a week since last year June. I did pretty well during summer because I love swimming. It was not difficult putting my swimsuit, going to swim each night for 30 min. I could tell you that there were many battles with excuses that I did not want to go but it was easier than colder days. I bought several working out DVDs to do at home after summer when the swimming pool was closed. I did regularly with the DVDs until it reached Spring. Spring is always a hard season for me to be focused to do anything. I often get into sort of depression; no...rather to call a lethargy season. I have made excuses not to run, or walk each day even. It has been pitiful to hear my excuses. Why is it so hard to do even 30 minutes of running or DVD? Even though I know it is worthy and important, I have a battle at least once before I start doing it. Why can't I be addicted to work out each day? Why can't I love exercising like drinking a cup of coffee each morning?
People can be addicted to stuff; interestingly those stuff are bad for people, but we do. Why are we like that? I wish that I can be addicted in prayers, reading bibles, or working out. People who are addicted to something, they can't live without them. I wish that I am desperate about my relationship with God in prayers; my family, friends, neighbors, or myself. Why is it so hard? Even doing only 30 min working out DVD is so hard to keep doing it regularly;even reading the bible for 20 min each day, even kneeling 10 min in front of God...etc.
The answer lands always in the same line; affection and love. If I love doing those, they will be any problems. Here is the bitter truth, if I love God, it will be no problem to kneel to Him each day, read His words because the love makes me doing them without even a fuss.
When we fall in love with someone, we do stuff to make the person happy without a doubt. We just do them for the love. I might be too sentimental to even mention about battles, disciplines in our lives but still.. I think the answer is having "love" toward all.
Love matters.

What if

Today is Maundy Thursday in the Holy week. I have read passion story in the book of Matthew this morning, asked several questions with "what if". You might have asked the same questions like me. The questions are not that impressive but I was wondering what really would happen. The first question has occurred at a scene of Gethsemane when Jesus went out for serious prayers, the disciples fell asleep deeply. What if they did not fall asleep and really prayed deeply with Jesus? How about Peter? What if he really prayed that night then would he deny Jesus still three times? What if Jesus prayed to God only for removing his cup? Did God answer his prayer? I know that it sounds too simple to even answer. However, I have thought about them. What if Peter did not deny but said "I am one of Jesus' disciples? What if Pilate told the Israelite that he could not put Jesus to be crucified? what if one of soldiers stood up for Jesus when he was beaten, said "don't beat this man! he is innocent!"? so many what if questions came up to my head this morning without ceasing. If I was there watching Jesus crucified, what I would do? I can't answer any of those questions but can tell for sure that whether I wanted to think with those what if questions, Jesus must have taken the Cross without a doubt to deliver us for sure. I also thought about God, the Father's heart to see His only Son got crucified. Not only Jesus, but also God must have had most difficult moment to let it happened. One word from Him could destroy all of the earth but He could not do it.
Asked one more question to myself, then, am I that much worth? Jesus died for each of us whether we feel worthy enough to deserve Him or not. It means yes, we all are worthy for Jesus and the Father. I just want to tell God "Thank you so much" for letting us know how worthy we are through Jesus. I pray that we all feel worthy no matter whom we are throughout the Holy week.
Ah, Holy Jesus.... thank you so much for your love. Ah, Loving Father, thank you so much for your endless love.