Monday, April 1, 2013

Easter

It's hard to feel or enjoy the Holy week or Easter as well as Christmas season truly as a person who serve a church as a music director. Even though I pray deeply, on that particular services, or occasion, I have to be alert to do my job well done. I have to think about a number of things; how many copies I need to make for musicians, how many choir members will show up, their seating chart, songs in order, and so on. Therefore, after all things done, I usually feel tired and missed the feel of the day. Like today, a day after Easter, I feel sometimes total lost. Where is my Easter? Where is the Holy week?
While I was feeling something missing, I started hearing a hymn that the choir sang as an offertory yesterday. "'He lives, he lives, Christ Jesus lives today. He walks with me and talk with me along life's narrow way. He lives, he lives, Salvation to impart. You ask me how I know He lives, He lives within my heart."
Yes, my Easter is in my heart because Jesus is with me always.
Having Sacred Holidays is not matter of the mood, food, or fellowship; it is a matter of my heart whether I have Him in the center of my heart or not. Then, I would feel Easter throughout a whole year! :) Happy Easter!

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Feeling empty

It has been harder than I expected. I knew that I will have some hard time to feel normal for a while but I have been sad more than I could deal; my tears have been running without any warning, and my heart has felt so empty. Living far away from each other is hard, and it gets harder when parents get older, especially one of parents passed away and the other one lives by herself. I and mom cried for awhile before we left to the airport, prayed for each other harder that God may lead us to live together someday soon.
It was a true blessed time for two and half months that my mom visited us in here, but still separation never gets easy. Actually, it gets harder.
It was really hard to leave her when I visited Korea last May, and I cried for whole time on the air. My mom is seventy-seven. Life is too short to live in a long distance that we could see each other that often. What for? Why am I here and she is there? I have been thinking and thinking how I can see her soon again.
My heart has regretted what I should have done with her when she was here for more than three days now. It has led me to think how much I will regret after she leaves to the eternal home in the future. I don't want that happen!
I don't have any solution to suggest or financially have enough to go over there to visit that often either. These make me more sad.

I wonder what God's plan is for us and pray that God fills both my hearts and mom's hearts with full of faith and confidence that there will be sometime soon that God will provide the chance.

We need your prayers, friends. We do.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Post Christmas

The Season of Christmas has been a little bit different for me. When I lived in Korea, most Korean churches have Christmas day worship services in the morning on 25th. Especially when I was in a high school choir and adult choir, we had a caroling tour for all night on 24th. Due to my church size and members were from all over area near Seoul, we rent huge buses to go to the caroling. We put the announcement in a bulletin to make routes among those people's houses which usually took all night to be covered. We started caroling from nursing homes and hospitals near the church which is located in downtown Seoul around 5:00 PM on 24th, and sang whole night visiting those houses who registered through the church. We arrived at the church early morning on 25th without sleeping but sang at the service in the choir loft for the Christmas service. The challenge was how to be awake during the service especially the sermon time. However, we managed to do all those things and came home after the service. That was my Christmas experience in early youth era. Christmas was not centered to family at all, but church.
I still remembered the first Christmas 1996 in Indiana. Jason and I were singing at a church near the campus and it was not a Korean church. We did have sing on 24th Christmas eve service as choir members, and came to our apartment. No one invited us to anything but us, and all the stores were closed, and snowed a lot. Jason was very sad next morning that even did not want to get up with this total different shocking culture of Christmas day. I made a dish for us to cheer him up but still it was lonely and different. We learned how Americans do Christmas. Following year, we joined a Korean church, and had some dinner gathering and services but it was not like "our Christmas" in Korea.
For over 16 years, I have learned many things about cultures of Christmas in the States but still could not say I have the best one.
What do I miss? and what do I look for?

While reading an article in a newspaper this morning about how much people have become anti Christianity especially in this Season, I have saddened deeply. In the time square, an American atheist group put a huge sign saying "keep the Merry, but dump the Myth" with two comparison pictures of Santa and Jesus on the cross. Also Moron put a sign nearby saying "Christmas is love family, Jesus Christ." I don't think that the signs are not representing what people believe in but still have felt heavy responsibility as a Christian.
As we all know, Jesus came to this World not in the palace, or even a common family household. He was born in an unexpected place ever. Not only the birth but also the death was in the worst place ever.And through His unexpected life style, we learn how to live as Christians. But still I don't think we get the teaching what we should pursue and live as His followers.
I have a confession to make about my dream Christmas. I truly want my Christmas to be perfect in many ways; beautiful music worship service, nicely decorated trees and poinsettias, scented candles, beautifully dressed people, candle lights, warm and cozy night, red and green papers wrapped gifts with big bows, loving family dinner, and maybe snow even. Interestingly none of those were in the Bible or especially in the Nativity scene; a cold night without heating, smelly barn, animals, inexperienced young mother and father, a baby and its crying, dirty and smelly clothed shepherds, and even a manger.
I have asked myself these questions seriously. Do I really look for the real Christian life? Do I pursue the Life that Jesus showed us?

Sunday, November 11, 2012

All IN

One of my daughters shared with me how frustrated she was when she was facing unfair treatment from one of her teachers. She cried while she was telling. I hugged her and shared that life is unfair and it is. We need to learn the unfairness is not our fault, and just move on. The conversation went further with a question how she could love someone who treats her unfairly without affection. And she started complaining how hard to live as a Christian. I nodded my head, told her that it is hard to live as a believer in Jesus, and even Jesus warned us many times through the Gospel that it is not going to be easy.
Lately, I have thought about problems among most Christians right now. Especially watching the process for election lately my thought has wondered why it is so hard to live as Christians without compromising, making excuses but with ALL IN.
We have become too smart to put all in in our faith. We say that our first priority is God but we decide to go to see the football game on Sundays. We say that we are Christians but actually we are Christians when we want to be in many circumstances. I use "we" because I have found myself and others, brothers and sisters in Christ around me living that way.
John warned us through the Revelation to the church in Laodicea,
".....These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God’s creation. 15 I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16 So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17 You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18 I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see."
 
Jesus already gave us an answer how we are ALL IN.
24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 25 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. 26 What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? (Matthew 16:24-26)
 
why is it so hard to live in complete obedience, complete ALL IN with whole our hearts to love God and follow?
When we do live with ALL IN at JESUS, I believe that something must have been different around us.
 
 

Saturday, September 22, 2012

BQQ challenges

It has been a very busy but focused month, September. After sharing my motto of this year (2012-2013) at the choir retreat, I truly have been trying my best to apply my motto; BQQ. Best quality, best quantity to God. I asked a same question like a habit whenever I have moment; "Am I doing my best in this situation spending time?" Interestingly, a majority of killing time has been disappeared; such as watching funny shows through Internet, spending time at Facebook etc. Most of all,  reminding myself to live my best to glorify God in each moment has made benefit on relationship. I even remind myself the question while I am with my girls. It has helped me refocus on conversations, and listing carefully. And when I listen carefully with my full attention, I noticed that I remember better and think of the conversation often afterwards. It helps to understand and pray more for the person too.
Someone asked me how come I came up with the motto. It is a long story but short; I have realized how evil gets people to loose focus on spending things, time, energy, and value in sneaky ways. Technology is a great thing if we use it wisely, as well as all others. However, it is so easy to be fallen into 'blank mind' that we just are there without our conscious. For example, having a smart phone is a great advantage for many purposes, but it becomes a habit to open it without a particular reason and look at some web site while sitting next to someone who is your friend. You might say 'what is wrong with that?' It does not require wrong or right answers; it just a value thing. If we don't take the phone out, what would happen? We might talk to the person. I know it is 50/50 but still there is a more chance than the other case. I think that evil plans in clever ways to make people even being noticed in many ways to loose value in worth; relationship with God, and others, wasting time without conscious.
I could tell you that it is not easy to even discern or recognize what I have spent a day with.

Apostle Paul alerted us in his letters repeatedly as well as Jesus told us to be alert in the Gospel. "making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what 'the will of the Lord' is." (Ephesians 5:16-17).

Life is too short to waste our valuable times to unworthy things. This life is given only once and it will be passing like wind without even our notice.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Back to back ministry

While praying for my church and music ministry this morning, God has given me a image of "back to back" ministry. I often image about a team work as holding hands together. However, God showed me this morning that instead of holding hands together in a circle, we need to be in circle in back to back position as a team minstry. I was thinking why it should be in back to back position and got answers. First of all, we can cover other's back and ourselves better. If we look each other holding hands, our backs are not covered any. And it is not helping to move forward but rather inward. Secondly, we can also get supports more in strong ways from others back. If you think about it, when we lean each other back to back, it helps you to maintain strength. Even though one or two people can get tired standing straight, the others can hold them up still. Last, we can work without worries because we have strong supporting team members. Sadly, I have felt sometime lonely doing works. I could not see how is covering my blindside in many cases. It will prevent that problem!

So, I have started praying with a clear picture in my head; we are in circle back to back holding hands. It gives me strength even to think about it. Let's stand back to back. Our battle is not flash and blood!

" For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12. I am ready now! how about you?

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Really?

A couple of weeks ago, there was a sermon about inclusive. Well... our church is very open to diversities for sure; there are people from more than 40 different countries attending the church. The council always makes clear that "inclusive" in all ministries not only racially but also any kinds. We talked about issues learned from a movie" Remember the Titans". The pastor challenged congregation that we need to go further deeper to accept others as part of their families because people are nice to others. On that day, there was a luncheon followed, the pastor intentionally told them that he expected to see tables filled with various people.

I have been working here for almost two years. I shared with other people how different southern cultures from Indiana where I used to live for more than a decade. My first year in southern GA was lonely. I hardly get a phone call during weekends, or holidays. I noticed that it was not intention that they didn't invite me to their families or circles, they just never been with others like me before so they did not know that I was alone. My children had same problems, hardly got invited to birthday parties or play dates. I prayed hard for God's guidance. So, I started inviting people into my home for dinner, or hang out. They did not become my close friends but still came for my house. Some of them became closer friends.

When I moved to Northern Virginia, I found out that people get more used to "diversities". There are many Korean groceries, Indians, Latinos, etc. I was excited to be a part of this opened community. However, reality has been the same as previous experience: I hardly ever get a phone call to hang out during weekends, or holidays. In fact, I never get invited to any family houses for a dinner. I don't think people realize it. People in Northern Virginia have same excuse; "They are busy". Of course, we all are busy. I can't point to anyone because I haven't been able to invite them either due to my tiny town home and living with my in laws. However, still... my heart has ached to think about it really. I tried to get involved in small groups, but still none of people invited me for even lunch. How about my colleagues? Yes, I want to be their friends and I think I am but never been invited to their houses either even from my boss. What can I say more?

Why is it so hard to have good family friends? Why? Am I specially difficult to be hang out? I have asked several questions to myself but still could not figure it out.

I have many friends in various races. Most of them are from Indiana. I consider them as my family members. I call them often, send them cards, notes, and miss them like my family. They invited me and my family in their family thanksgiving dinners, Christmas dinners, weddings, and funerals. I cried and laughed with them thoroughly. But why is it not happening in here? what do I do differently in here? Am I the one who need to be changed? I still am not sure. Maybe God wants me to pray about this more seriously.