Forgiveness

There are only two weeks left until Easter. I have been spending lots of time lately to think about our Lenten cantata. God gave me a strong word or theme for the cantata; "forgiveness." I don't know why and what I need to do for that. However, whenever I have tried to avoid the word, God has made me sure that I am following His word. He must have planned that He would like to see the people who have been problem with forgiveness. I honestly don't have problem with anyone yet what that I know of. Because Jesus died for us, our sins are forgiven eternally. I do not know what to make people to forgive each other except prayers. I don't know what God wants. I do know that He does not accept or forgive us unless we forgive ourselves for sure. I am still struggling what to do following the cantata, but praying that God shows me vivid image what I need to do. Would you like to pray with me for the Cantata night? I have felt very urgent that He has called people for forgiveness.

New Beginning

Happy birthday to me~! Yes, today, I turned forty!! YEAH!

Yes, I am happy to be forty as I shared before. If you think about life which lasts around 80, I lived half way. And another half has just started. It is time to grow in Spirit and closer to the Lord! My life has been blessed in many many ways and God, my heavenly Father, has been leading me so faithfully. I am just so grateful that I am saved early in my life and have had great experiences what and how God has been working in my life. Most of all, He always blesses me to have many good people around me from beginning of my life. I am just overly blessed even though I don't deserve all! His loving kindness endures forever!

Now, it is time to grow and make fruits from my forty years of life; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.

Create me in a clean heart

I am not good at cleaning, sorting, or filing even though I spent lots of time for them. I don't mind doing those. Some people say "I hate cleaning". But for my case, I don't hate but I am not good at. Do you get the differences? I spend more than other people who are good at cleaning for cleaning but result is worse. I sometime wants to hire some people to do it for me.
Anyway, today was our church cleaning day. Jason and I cleaned the Sanctuary as well as the hall way walls with oil. While I was cleaning dust off from each congregation seats, I prayed for people as well as myself that Lord cleanse me with His blood and give us a clean heart. As we know, we need to cleaning often to keep the clean condition. If we do often, it takes less timing and effort but if we postpone and clean only once in a while, it takes many hours as well as our energy and effort. It is same as our heart. If I keep postponing to confess or admit my sin or fault, it roots deeply and hard to be taken off. I notice that if it is a small one, it is worse than a big one because it can be hidden or ignored easily. It is like a weed. If you don't take them off with root completely, it grows quickly and doubling enormously. Also, it is same in relationship too. If I feel something upset with someone, I should solve the problem. However, most of time, I do not. I just put up with it. However, I don't forget or forgive. That is the beginning of problems. Then, when I get the point that I can't stand it anymore, I become a live volcano. And the other side person can't understand because the person does not understand the root. I have to make myself to express my emotion when it happens at the first place. I learned from one seminar with a special minister who was an expert for relationship that we need to use " I message" to express our emotion to other people. If something happens, and you feel upset, you just need to simply say " I am upset" to other side. If it hurts, I just simply say " I felt hurt". However, I notice that most of times, I use "You message" instead. "You made me upset" The power of I message is it is harmless toward the other side person. It is just expression. I still forget to use I message than You message. I have prayed that whenever I need to clean or fix my heart, I kneel down quickly or go to see the person right away to restore relationship. It could be between friends and me or God and me.

Welcome March!!

Yes, finally... March is here! I think the person who named this month as March, did a wonderful job. March is a such active month especially among natures. March is also waking my senses; smell, sight, hearing, tasting, and touching; yellow flowers, green leaves, birds singing, tasty spring vegetables, and so on. In Korea, we start our schools on March as the first semester; new schools, classes, friends and so forth. I remember that I used to be very tired and kind of cranky and moody because of all those changes environment in March. The weather is still bitter in Seoul but you had to wear "Spring" clothes to be a cool kids. So, I had to wear colorful thin jackets in cold March. I do remember how cold it was but did not mind being cold because it is Spring. My mom used to make a special soup with spring vegetable. Hmm... I could smell it still.

On the other hand, March is special because I was born in the month. I was supposed to be born in middle of April but I came out as pre-mie. I did not like my birthday because it was in March. I did not have a chance to make "best" friends yet in my new class so, I had to invite new friends who I even did not know well enough to call "friends" in my birthday party. After I grow up, I did not like my birthday in March because it usually lands during "Lent". It was a good Friday a couple of years ago. So, I did not celebrate any but postponed until Easter. Fortunately, it is during Lent but not on Good Friday this year. However, it is on Wednesday. It means I will not have time to celebrate. This year is a very special year for me. Guess what! I am turning 40!YEAH!Finally.

My girls have been asking "mom, are you looking forward to having your birthday?" I did not know why they keep asking, and found out that they felt being 40 is really old. My sweet Christine cheers me up always " Mom, don't worry! you still look like thirty something." On the other hand, my honest Joanne goes " mom, I can't believe that you are almost forty!! It is old!!".

For me, forty is very blessed and special number even though I feel really old like my Joanne told me. I think the number forty itself is very meaningful. Jesus had fast and was tempted in the desert for forty days, Israelite was wondering forty years in the desert and entered the promised Land. Also, Moses. spent forty days in Mountain Sinai with God, Elijah spent walking forty days and night in Mountain Horeb, Noah had forty days of raining and Jonah told Nineveh to repent for forty days. It led me to think about my forty years life.

When I was young, I wrote a diary about being forty in my future. I do remember what I wrote. I wrote that I will have a nice beautiful house, beautiful children with a handsome husband, wonderful job in college, and being a wise and beautiful woman. I even drew a picture with the diary. I do remember. Amazingly, I do have a beautiful house, beautiful children with a handsome husband, and a job. I am not sure about being wise and beautiful yet.

Lately, I made my goal what I need to do before forty but have not reached the goal yet. Most of all, I am afraid of my hearts become hard like callus with my old bad habits or mind. I want to be a mature and strong in faith and closer to the Lord but I want to have a soften hearts like a baby.If I have soften hearts, I will obey right away when He calls me or tells me to fix some wrong parts of mine. Also, whenever God wants to talk to me, He feels comfortable telling me right away because He knows that I will listen right away. I want to have that kind of heart. I want to be a woman who is still thoughtful but witty, strong but meek, loving but wise, open but bold, and flexible but faithful.

Well... I have exactly twenty more days to pray and reach my goal! Let's start right now to kneel to the Lord.