Impossible

I could not figure it out what was wrong tonight. I could not find out still. I never have felt this strange in my life with any kinds of musical worship service, or performances. I could not think of anything else than being powerless. It is different feeling from feeling failure. I could feel like there was nothing what I have prayed for. However, I could feel that I had to go out and pray for others somehow, I did. My hearts was aching so bad with something that could not be explained. I knew something bothering me for a while but could not find what it is still. What should I pray for? I have been confessing and repenting but still have struggle to find any answers. Father, what should I do? I even have prayed if He wants me to leave His ministry, I will obey. I do not want to hear people say " The music was beautiful", or "it sounds wonderful." I rather want to hear " I met Jesus tonight" or "I could feel His presence". Am I looking for a wrong answer? Am I being greedy to get right comments? no....I do not need to hear anything from people, however, I long for God's voice. That is it. I could not hear him tonight. I could tell that last year lessons and carols service, I could hear Him so clearly. However, I could not hear His voice tonight. That is why I have been struggle that I might need stop what I do for living right now.
The truth is.... I am feeling that I am nothing. Maybe it is God's plan to let me recognize my problem that I can't do anything by myself. I am impossible in anything without Him. Is this what God wants to learn through tonight? or are there something else? I could not sleep.

Lenten Sketches

Tomorrow, our church choir will do our Lenten Cantata called " The Lenten Sketches" by Joseph Martin. The cantata is consisted of six movements with Jesus' last week of His earthly life. The music is not difficult but beautifully composed with good text. I love the last movement called "Pieta". It describes how Mary holds Jesus after His death as a mother with a baby, and sings a lullaby. It brings me tears every moment. Mary was a mom even though she knew Jesus was a Son of God. She nursed, and raised him as a mom. Jesus was the Son of God but totally a human. He was also a child of Mary. I thought that it does not match with the Holy week with too much human emotion at first time but became loving them with honesty emotion. I am not sure how people will response to the Cantata tomorrow night. But I have been praying that God will send people who need to reconcile with Him as a children of our Father. This cantata is my third one in Richmond Hill UMC. I can't believe how fast the time went by. I have hoped that this musical worship service has been glorifying God and sharing His grace and love to people. As I pray, may the Lord shines upon His love and grace throughout this Holy week especially tomorrow night through the special worship service. Lord, please receive our offering of hearts and love!

Arts

When I was in forth grade at an elementary school, I took private lessons with an artist, who was a senior in college and very good. I learned basic sketches and waterpainting. I found myself that I could paint for four straight hours without even complaining it was boring. Also, the teacher helped me to open my eyes to see things in different ways; such as I used to paint only black on people's hair, and he showed me how various colors were combined one person's hair. After an year of painting, I fell in love painting, wanted to go on deeper but my dad did not like me to go on. I could understand why now. However, I was very disappointed that I had to stop going the lesson. I love to see good arts, especially paints. I could get comforted, delighted, and inspired by those too. I used to visit exhibitions in museums often. Nowadays, I do not have much time to go somewhere, so I visit their web site to taste those beautiful pictures. It is a wonderful that I could do that at least. God gives a number of talents and gifts to people to share them to others, and glorify Him. An ability to paint well is a certainly wonderful talent.

My mom has started painting after my dad passed away. She really wanted to learn and age of 72, started taking lessons of painting. She was born with a talent I insist. She also has shared with me that when she paints, she does not feel lonely, or bored.

Arts open my heart and take me to a different imaginary world in the arts.

After I heard the sermon today, I thought about Rambrandt's painting, went to the website. In summer 1994, I went to Armsterdam, Netherland. I had a chance to visit Rambrandt's house. It was a humble, and old house, but I could feel his wonderful views toward people based on the Bible. He was a good christian, read the Bible everyday. I do still remember seeing his old big bible which showed how much he loved reading it. His paintings are such an inspiration especially the pencil paints are just gorgeous. I want to visit again his house someday.

It is Spring. We can observe God's arts everywhere. He is the best artist. We can enjoy His master pieces around us especially this season. I want to open my eyes one more time to see the world in His vision, sight, and heart.

Welcome March!

It has been a long and cold winter. Even though March arrived, it is still unusually cold. However, I could smell and feel arriving of Spring. I saw beautiful bloomed deffodils this morning as my routine walking with Angie. I also found several new buds on the trees. Spring will arrive soon like a queen. We are already heading to the third weeks of Lent. Time flies. If we are not aware of where we are now, the time will fly by faster without any marks. Time is gift from God. I want to be able to use this gift as worthy as possible.

I pray that I open my eyes, ears, and heart to the Lord, and live by His Spirit.Let's obey, yes, obedience is the key of living by His Spirit. Let's trust Him truly with all my heart, yes, trusting is the key of living by faith. Let's love, yes, loving is the key of winning the world. Beyond all, let's confess that we can't do anything ourselves. We need HIM.