Being a excellent conductor

I have been conducting since I was a fresh man in college. I conducted some before but did start at my fresh man year at my church choir small group. The group was called "Royally" that we visited one of big hospital next to our church in downtown Seoul every Sunday morning from 8:00 for an hour. We sang hymns in every other floor at a center of each floor. (It had fourteen floor) Sometimes, people asked us to visit their rooms. We sang and prayed with them. I was not volunteered to direct but somehow I became a director of the group. I truly enjoyed it and never missed one single Sunday for three years. At the end of second year, I mostly memorized people's favorite hymns. I had to pass to someone at the third year; that was a rule. We took turns. I simply gave a first note for four parts and start waving my arms. I thought that is conducting. As I studied more and more, I found out that conducting is not waving arms with tempo or meter at all. Especially, after I started taking classes of conducting, I honestly regretted many times why I changed my major to conducting. I cried countless days and nights because of difficulties. First of all, I have to know what I want so clearly about the music. For that stage, I have to study, analyze, interpret, and add my own musical opinion. I had to read a number of books for a one music sometimes. Reading takes for ever for me because I have to look up a dictionaries. It still does. I enjoy analyzing music but getting my own opinion was the worst one. There must be reasons why I want that music that way. Sometimes, I don't know what I want. From my background of education in Korea, we did not have our own opinion. We just needed to accept what teachers told us as 'truth". Sadly, if we had questions or own opinion, we had to be quiet and obeyed. So, that part was the hardiest part for me getting my own thoughts. Secondly, a conductor should deliver clearly to singers and players what the conductor wants. It is the worst nightmare. It is still my weakest part. One of reasons is a language. I am not a good English speaker. I cried every single afternoon for couple of years in the second floor music library at very corner after a conducting class. I felt so dumb and hopeless. However, my teachers helped and supported me a lot. One of teachers told me "you don't have to speak or talk too much for details. Just let them watch you and you show them with your conducting". I had to practice hours of speaking in front of choirs, practiced in front of mirrors with my techniques and words. All those painful and tearful times were not wasted one bit for sure. Funny thing was even though it was truly not easy, but I enjoyed most when I conducted. Frankly, I still cry a lot after rehearsals.
Lately, I joined a choir, I Cantori in Savannah. It is a small chamber community choir group. The choir group is invited from Hilton Head Symphony to sing one of my favorite mass with them tomorrow and Monday. Mozart's C minor Mass. It was one of my twelve pieces for my oral qualifying exam too. When I saw the conductor at Hilton Head Symphony orchestra, I thought about myself a lot. What makes a good conductor? Majority of great conductors in centuries has been charismatic people for sure. Many people said meaner ones make better music. However, I found out that it is not true. The meaner ones could make better music but not inspiring music. I have met many conductors who make people totally awesome and inspired. Most of them were very humble and modest. They politely asked players and singers to join them to make beautiful music.
I want to be a excellent conductor. I want to make people get inspired by my music, want to lead the choirs and orchestra with respect and love. At most, I want to be humble because I am just an instrument of the Lord. I want to give my best to the Lord and share with people. I don't want to be an "okay" conductor. I want to be an "excellent" one not only to people but most of all to my God.